Linux Cubed Series 8: LINUX Games/Linux Cubed Series 8 - LINUX Games.iso/games/fortune-.tar/fortune-/fortune/datfiles/off/unrotated/songs-poems

Text File | 1995-10-19 | 76KB | 2,272 lines

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs,
B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clair who wasted away,
D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach,
F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George, smothered under a rug,
H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
I is for Ida who drowned in the lake,
J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe,
L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea,
N is for Nevil who died of enui.
O is for Olive, run through with an awl,
P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl.
Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire,
R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who parished of fits,
T is for Titas who flew into bits.
U is for Una  who slipped down a drain,
V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
W is for Winie, embedded in ice,
X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in,
Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
        -- Edward Gorey "The Ghastly Crumb Tines"
%
A Scotsman clad in kilts left a bar one evening fair.
One could tell by how he walked, he'd drunk more than his share.
He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet.
So he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by.
One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye.
"See yon sleeping Scotsman so young and handsome built?"
"I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilts?"

They stepped up to the Scotsman, so young and fancy free.
They lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see.
And there behold for them the view beneath his Scottish skirt,
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.

They marveled for a moment, then one said, "Best be gone."
"Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
As a gift they left a blue ribbon tied into a bow,
Around the bonny star of the Scot's kilt lifting show.

The Scot awoke to nature's call and stumbled to the trees.
Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he see's.
Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes,
"Och, lad I dinna know whar' ya been, but I see ya won first prize."
        -- Mike Cross, "The Scotsman"
%
All I want is a girl made of wood,
With fine-grained hair and carven knee.
She wouldn't drink and wouldn't smoke,
Oh, wooden tit be loverly?
        -- Pinocchio
%
All the girls in France, do a hookie-kookie dance,
And you know the way they shake, is enough to fry a snake,
And the snake they fry, is enough to tell a lie,
And the lie they tell, is enough to go to
Hello, operator, give me number nine,
If you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the
Behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass,
If you do not pick it up, I'll kick you in the
Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies,
This is what Lulu told me, just before she died.
She had a little brother, she named him Tiny Tim,
She put him in the potty, to see if he could swim.
He swam down to the bottom, he swam up to the top,
Lulu got disgusted, and flushed him down the pot.
        -- Princess
%
All things dull and ugly,        Each little snake that poisons,
All creatures short and squat,        Each little wasp that stings,
All things rude and nasty,        He made their brutish venom,
The Lord God made the lot;        He made their horrid wings.

All things sick and cancerous,        Each nasty little hornet,
All evil great and small,        Each beastly little squid.
All things foul and dangerous,        Who made the spikey urchin?
The Lord God made them all.        Who made the sharks? He did.

All things scabbed and ulcerous,
All pox both great and small.
Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
The Lord God made them all.
        -- Monty Python's Flying Circus
%
An attachment a la Plato
for a bashful young potato
or a, not too French, french bean
must excite your languid spleen.
For, if you walk down Picadilly
with a poppy or lily
in your medieval hand,
every one will say,
as you walk your flowery way;
"If this young man is content,
with a vegetable love
which would certainly not content me.
Why, what a very pure young man
this pure young man must be!"
        -- W.S. Gilbert, "Patience"
        [The subject of the humour is, of course, Oscar Wilde]
%
And it's one, two, three,
What are we fighting for?
Don't ask me I don't give a damn!
Next stop is Vietnam!
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates.
Ain't no time to wonder why
Whoopie!  We're all going to die.
        -- Country Joe and the Fish
%
... And malt does more than Milton can
To justify God's ways to man.
        -- A. E. Housman
%
And prively he caughte hire by the queynte,
And heeld hire harde by the haunche-bones.
        --Geoffrey Chaucer, The Miller's Tale
%
And the northern lights commenced to glow.
And she said, with a tear in her eye,
"Watch out where the huskies go,
and don't you eat that yellow snow."
        -- Frank Zappa, "The Story of Nanook and the Fur Trapper"
%
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
If God won't have you, the devil must.
%
Australia's a lovely land
It's full of bonza blokes,
Sheilas, beer and no-one's queer
Except in Pommie jokes.

Australians are lovely chaps
They're God's own chosen race.
If they ever see a fairy Pom
They'll smash him in the face.

Australians like dressing up
In skirts and having fun
And that's all we were doing
When the Vice Squad came along.
        -- Monty Python's Flying Circus
%
Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
Unless you get a good percentage of her price.
        -- Tom Lehrer
%
Behold the unborn fetus and
    Weep salt tears crocodilian;
All life is sacred (save, of course,
    An enemy civilian).
%
Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
For her life held no terrors.
A virgin born, a virgin died:
No hits, no runs, no errors.
%
Better the prince of some inferior court,
Than second, or less, in beatific light.
        -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
%
Birth, copulation and death.
That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks;
Birth, copulation and death.
        -- T.S. Elliot, "Sweeney Agonistes"
%
Bridget O'Flaherty McHugh
Held venal traffic with a gnu.
Mistaking fore for aft one morn
Impaled herself upon its horn.

Moral:    Those who seek high ends should shun
    our furred and feathered friends.
%
But they'll never mechanize me -- not me!
Said Charlotte, the Louisville harlot.
        -- S.I. Hayakawa
%
Champagne don't make me lazy.
Cocaine don't drive me crazy.
Ain't nobody's business but my own.
        -- Taj Mahal
%
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost ripping up your nose
Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
And folks dressed up like buffaloes
Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
Helps to make the season right
Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
Will find it hard to see tonight
They know that Santa's on his way
He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
And every mother's child is sure to spy
To see if reindeer really scream when they die
And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety two
Although it's been said many times, many ways
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
%
Chorus:
    Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
    Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
    You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
    But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
And we begged her not to go.
But she'd forgot her medication,    When we found her Christmas morning,
And she staggered through the door    At the scene of the attack.
    out in the snow.        She had hoofprints on her forehead,
                    And incriminating claus-marks on her
Now we're all so proud of Grandpa,        back.
He's been taking this so well.
See him in there watching football.    I've warned all my friends and
Drinking beer and playing cards            neighbors,
    with cousin Mel.        Better watch out for yourselves!
                    They should never give a license,
                    To a man who drives a sleigh and
                        plays with elves!
        -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
%
Chorus:
    I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war,
    I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground,
    And livin' off the favors of a 'igh-born lady.
    I don't want a bullet up me arse 'ole,
    I don't want me pecker blown away,
    I'd rather live in England, in jolly, sunny, England,
    And fornicate me bloody life away!!

Monday I touched her on the ankle,
Tuesday I touched her on the knee,
And Wednesday after Mass, I lifted up her dress,
And Thursday I saw you know what,
Friday I put me 'and upon it,
Saturday she gave me balls a tweak [tweak, tweak]
And Sunday after supper, I ran me fucker up 'er,
And now she pays me forty quid a week!
Oh, blimey...

[chorus]
%
Christmas comes but once a year,
A time for love and laughter;
You can come much more than that,
But you have to clean up after.
%
Christopher Robin and I run along,
Under shell-bursts with our M-16s,
Blowing up Heffalumps, Wol, and Eeyore
For the pleasure of hearing their screams.
    But we wandered much further today than we should,
    And Christopher's hit in the back pretty good!

So, help me if you can I've got to get
Back in the knack of cold-blooded killing!
You'd be surprised at the mayhem I bring:
    Burning a village for kicks;
    Flaying a native with sticks...
Back in the trenches with Christopher Robin and Pooh!

Winnie the Pooh doesn't know what to do,
He's got napalm all over his clothes.
He came to me asking help and advice,
So I shot him before he got close.
    But Christopher would try to help his poor bear,
    And so both have burned up with a bright orange flare!

Singin': Help me if you can I've got to get
Back in the hang of this whole murder thing.
You'd be surprised at the mayhem I bring:
    Burning a village for kicks;
    Flaying a native with sticks...
Back in the trenches with Christopher Robin ...
Warming my hands over Christopher Robin ...
Making s'mores over Pooh!
        -- "Roughhouse at Pooh Corner," to the tune of "House at Pooh
           Corner," by three warped students, College of Wooster, 1979
%
    CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)

Oh, give me a clone
Of my own flesh and bone
    With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when she is grown,
My very own clone,
    We'll be of the opposite sex.
Chorus:
    Clone, clone of my own,
    With the Y chromosome changed to X.
    And when we're alone,
    Since her mind is my own,
    She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
        -- Randall Garrett
%
Come along and sing a song and join our family.
B & D
S & M
Post to A.S.B.!
Rope and leather, cuffs and cats, and toys from JTT.
B & D
S & M
Post to A.S.B.!
A.S.B.!
    (A.S.B.!)
A.S.B.!
    (A.S.B.!)
Come on now, let's try another tie!
    (Tie! Tie! Tie!)
All the kinky folks are here, and some on IRC.
B & D
S & M
Post on A.S.B.!
        -- To the Mickey Mouse March
%
Copa-ulation:
(to the tune of Copacabana)

Her name was Lola, she was a bimbo, with yellow streamers in her hair,
She wore see-through underwear, she'd go to discos, and do the go-go,
And while she tried to be star, Tony jacked off on the bar,
And when the dance was done, his hand was full of come,
His favorite drink is cream in coffee,
Won't you order one?

At the Copa, Copa-ulation ...

Her name was Lola, she was a show-girl,
But that was thirty years ago, when she still could slurp and blow,
Now she's a sado, but not for Tony, still in her chains and leather gown,
She ties Rico to the ground, and fucks that boy half-blind,
But Rico, he don't mind, there are whips and a lot of beatings,
But a real good time ...
%
Cover your stump before you hump.
Before you attack her, wrap your wacker.
Don't be silly... protect your Willie.
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it.
        -- National Condom Week
%
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true,
Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw?
I really must beg your pardon,
But I've got a hell of a hard-on,
From beating my meat, against the seat,
Of a bicycle built for two.
        -- "Daisy, Daisy", "The Dirty Song Book"
%
Dark and lonely on a summer night
    Kill my landlord,
    Kill my landlord.
The watchdog barkin'
Do he bite?
    Kill my landlord,
    Kill my landlord.
Slip in his window.
Break his neck.
Then his house I start to wreck
Got no reason,
What the heck?
    Kill my landlord,
    Kill my landlord.
    C-I-L-L my landlord!
        -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL
%
Dave has an areoplane,
In which he likes to frisk.
Oh what a foolish boy,
His silly *.
%
Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
This visage meek and humble,
And hear this confidential plea
Voiced in reverent mumble:
    Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
    But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
        -- Ansel Adams
%
Do not rejoice in his defeat, you men,
For though the world stood up
And stopped the bastard,
The bitch that bore him is in heat again.
        -- Bertolt Brecht
%
Drop kick me, Jesus, through the goal posts of life,
End over end, not to the left or the right,
Straight through the middle of those righteous uprights!
Drop kick me, Jesus, through the goal posts of life.

Send down our brothers who've gone on before;
With their assistance, we'll rack up the score!
The help of the angels, I think, would be fine,
As long as you put them in the Steelers' front line!
%
Eisenhower was very nice,
Nixon was his only vice.
        -- C. Degen
%
Fed some caviar to my girlfriend
She was a virgin tried and true
Now my girlfriend needs no urgin'
There ain't nothin' she won't do!
    Caviar comes from a Virgin Sturgeon -
    Virgin Sturgeon's a very fine fish.
    Virgin Sturgeon needs no urgin'
    That's why caviar is my dish!

Fed some caviar to my Grandpa
He was a man of ninety-three
Shrieks and screams were heard from Grandma
He had chased her up a tree!
    (chorus)
%
Filth and old age, I'm sure you will agree,
Are powerful wardens upon chastity.
        -- Geoffrey Chaucer
%
First you get down on your knees,    Get in line in that processional,
Fiddle with your rosaries,        Step into that small confessional,
Bow your head with great respect,    There the guy who's got religion'll
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!    Tell you if your sins' original.
Do whatever steps you want if        If it is, try playin' it safer,
You have cleared them with the Pontiff,    Drink the wine and chew the wafer,
Ev'rybody say his own            Two, four, six eight,
Kyrie eleison,                Time to transubstantiate!
Doin' the Vatican Rag.

So get down upon your knees,        Make a cross on your abdomen,
Fiddle with your rosaries,        When in Rome do like a Roman,
Bow your head with great respect,    Ave Maria,
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!    Gee, it's good to see ya,
    Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an' Doin' the Vatican Rag!
        -- Tom Lehrer, "The Vatican Rag"
%
Five-foot nine, eyes that shine
He was born in Palestine
Has anybody seen my Lord?

He's so cool, he's so fine
Eat his bread and drink his wine
Has anybody seen my Lord?

He's so neat, he's so cool,
Walks across my swimming pool.
Has anybody...
%
For they starve the frightened little child
Till it weeps both night and day:
And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool,
And gibe the old and grey,
And some grow mad, and all grow bad,
And none a word may say.

Each narrow cell in which we dwell
Is a foul and dark latrine,
And the fetid breath of living Death
Chokes up each grated screen,
And all, but Lust, is turned to dust
In Humanity's machine.

And all men kill the thing they love,
By all let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword.
        -- Oscar Wilde
%
Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
        -- Robert Frost
%
From the crystal swirling waters,
Of the Rio Amazon,
To the sacred halls of Bayonne,
Where we stand pajamas on.    (It's the only thing that rhymes.)
From ev'ry hallowed venue,
Ev'ry forest, mount and vale,
Your butt is on the menu
And the check is in the mail.
        -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races"
%
"Get a load of that chick!"    "Dude -- you gotta ask her out."
"Weellll, I dunno..."        "Look.  The worst she can say, is 'No'!"
"Hey!  You're right!"        "I'm always right!"
"The worst she can say... is 'No'!"

"Idunnoifyou'vebeennoticingmebutI'vebeennoticingyouandIwaswonderingif
you'd like to go out with me!"

Oh my god you little Geek!
Get away before I freak!        You ugly, stupid, zitfaced scum,
I'm a babe and you are not.        You asked me out; you MUST be dumb.
You can't handle what I've got!        Well you can beg until you're blue,
I'm too hot, too hot for you..        But you're not even fit to lick my shoe.
                    I'm too hot, too hot for you.
Ha ha ha!  Don't make me laugh!
I want a whole man, not a half.        I've got a bitchin' bod and a killer
You wet your pants, I'm so sure.        face,
Too bad wimp-itis has no cure.        I'm god's gift to the male race.
I'm too hot, too hot for you.        I'm the queen of babes supreme,
                    But you'll only see me in you dreams.
"Well?  What'd she say??"        I'm too hot, too hot for you.
"Well, she didn't say no..."
         -- Barry and the Bookbinders, "The Worst She Can Say is No"
%
Gibble gabble gabble gibble gurgle lubble gibble babble beeble triggle
    Lean closer.
Libble gabble gabble ibble gurgle gubble tibble babble feeble riggle
    Smile at her *knowingly*.
Gibble gabble sabble gibble surgle gubble gibble babble beeble giggle
    Nod sympathetically.  Show you're on *her* side.
Bibble gabble gabble babble gurgle gubble gibble tribble beeble figgle
    Touch her hand lightly.  Nobody understands but we two.
Fibble gabble fobble gibble gurgle bubble gibble tabble beeble giggle
    Look sincere.

"Why don't we have the next drink up at MY place?"

    God's gift to women strikes again.
        -- J. Feiffer
%
Gimme that old bisexuality,
Gimme that old bisexuality,
Gimme that old bisexuality,
'Cause it's good enough for me!

It was good for David Bowie,
It was good for David Bowie,
It was good for David Bowie,
And it's good enough for me!
%
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen!
Here's a little number I tossed up in the Carribean recently...

Isn't it awfully nice to have a Penis,
isn't it frightfully good to have a Dong.

It's swell to have a Stiffy,
it's divine to have a Dick,
from the tinyest little Tadger,
to the world's greatest Prick.

So, breeches for your Willy or John-Thomas,
Hooray! for your One Eyed Trouser's Snake.

Your Piece of Pork, your Wife's best friend,
your Porky or your Cock,
you can wrap it up in ribbons,
you can stick it in your sock!

But, don't take it out in public,
or they will stick you in the dock,
and you won't come back.
                -- Monty Python, from "The Meaning of Life"
%
Hail to the sun god
He sure is a fun god
Ra!  Ra!  Ra!
%
Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
The Duke is fond of kittens
He likes to take their insides out
And use them for his mittens
        -- The Thirteen Clocks
%
He drank with curvy Mabel,
The pace was fast and furious,
He slid beneath the table,
Not drunk but merely curious.
%
He grabbed me by my slender neck,
I could not call or scream.
He dragged me to his tiny room,
Where we could not be seen.
He tore away my filmy wrap,
And gazed upon my form.
I so cold and frightened,
While he so strong and warm.
He pressed me to his thirsty lips,
I gave him every drop.
He drained me of my very self,
I could not make him stop!
And that is why you see me here,
An empty, broken bottle of beer...
%
(He opens a tolm and begins.)

    It says: "In the beginning was the Word."
    Already I am stopped.  It seems absurd.
    The Word does not deserve the highest prize,
    I must translate it otherwise.
    If I am well inspired and not blind.
    It says: "In the beginning was the Mind."
    Ponder that first line, wait and see,
    Lest you should write too hastily.
    Is the Mind the all-creating source?
    It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force."
    Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen,
    That my translation must be changed again.
    The spirit helps me.  Now it is exact.
    I write: "In the beginning was the Act."
        -- Goethe's Faust
%
He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick,
And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
        -- O. Nash, on the perfect husband
%
Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place,
for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be.
        -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus"
%
Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin',
Just gave birth to another Texan.
%
Here lies my wife: her let her lie!
Now she's at rest, and so am I.
        -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife
%
Here's a toast to Screwy Dick,
The man who was born with a corkscrew prick.
He spent his life in a futile hunt,
To find a woman with a spiral cunt.
And when he did, he dropped stone dead,
'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread!
%
Here's to the girl in little red shoes,
She drinks my liquor, she drinks my booze,
She has no cherry, but that's no sin,
She has the box the cherry came in.
%
Here's to the girl that's dressed in black,
She's dressed so neat there's nothing to lack
She feels so fine and kisses so sweet
She makes things stand that have no feet.
%
Here's to the girl that's sweet,
Here's to the girl that's true,
Here's to the girl in all our hearts...

In other words, guys, what do you say we all go downtown for
the rest of the night?
%
Here's to the woman beautiful and divine
she flowers every month bears fruit every nine
she's the only creature 'tween heaven and hell
can get the juice from a nut without cracking the shell.
%
Hickory Dickory Dock,
Three mice ran up a clock!
The clock struck one,
Right in the balls!

There was an old woman,
Who lived in a shoe,
Who had so many children,
Her uterus fell right out.
%
Higgledy Piggledy        Coeducational
Yale University            Extracurricular
Gave up misogyny        Heterosexual
Opened its door.        Fun is in store.
%
How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!

Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.

Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!

Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!

How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
        -- Mason Williams, "Them Toad Suckers"
%
How could they think women a recreation?
Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest?
Only the ignorant or the busy could.  That elm
of flesh must prove a luxury of primes;
be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth.
Which is not to damn the forested China of touching.
I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge
of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me.
The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth.
Splendid.  Splendid.  Splendid.  Like Rome.  Like loins.
A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying.
I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege,
for my life has been eaten in that foliate city.
To ambergris.  But not for recreation.
I would not have lost so much for recreation.

Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
have I come this far, stubborn, disasterous way.
But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
and call and call forever till she turn from bird
to blowing woods.  From woods to jungle.  Persimmon.
To light.  From light to princess.  From princess to woman
in all her fresh particularity of difference.
Then oh, through the underwater time of night
indecent and still, to speak to her without habit.
This I have done with my life, and am content.
I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark,
standing in the huge singing and the alien world.
    -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell"
%
    "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
quavering voice.
    "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can.  The letters are Elvish, of
course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
I will not utter here.  They are lines of a verse long known in
Elven-lore:

    "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
    Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
    Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
    This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
    The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
    The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
    If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
    If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
        -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
%
I had a dream last night...
I dreamt about 1976.
I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage...
I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant.
Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare...
so I went back to sleep again.
        -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72"
%
I have a funny daddy
Who goes in and out with me
And everything that baby does
Daddy's sure to see,
And everything that baby says,
My daddy's sure to tell.
You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse.
I hope he fries in Hell.
        -- Ogden Nash
%
I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips,
I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips,
My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here,
But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir.

The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why,
For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie,
I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine,
So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine.
        -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
%
I know a Polack his name is Cliff,
Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
He sticks it in the freezer to get it stiff,
Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.

I know a girl, her name is Serafina,
Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
She'll get down on all fours for a bowl of Purina,
Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.

I know a girl, her name is Cuffy,
Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
She douches with Tide and makes her pubes fluffy,
Hey la-de-la-de-lo.
        -- Doctor Dirty
%
I love to eat them Smurfies
Smurfies what I love to eat
Bite they ugly heads off,
Nibble on they bluish feet.
%
I think the Mormon prophet
Was a very funny man.
I wonder how his wives enjoyed
His Prophet Sharing Plan.
%
I wish I was a fascinating lady
With a past that was cheap and a future that was shady
I'd sleep all day and I'd work all night
I'd live in a house with a little red light
And once a month I'd take a small vacation
And leave all the men to their imagination
And once in a while I'd go all wild
And have myself an illegitimate child
I wish I were a fascinating lady
Instead I'm the minister's child
%
I'd like to give the world a hug
And tell it jokes and stuff
And pull its pants down to its knees
And chase it through the rough

Then tie it up with bonds and straps
And search its purse for change
Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall
With our cousin who's deranged ...
        -- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial
%
I'm a lover not a dancer!
I'm a lover not a dancer!
Don't want to be on my feet,
When I can be on my back,
Don't want to be on the floor,
When I can be in the sack!
I'm a lover not a dancer!
I'm a lover not a dancer!
I'm just a little bit tired
If you know what I mean,
Don't want to be in a crowd
When I can be in a dream!
I'm a lover not a dancer!
Baby!
And, baby, let me prove it to you,
Baby, let me prove it to you!
        -- Jim Steinman, "Dance in my Pants"
%
I'm glad that I'm an American,
I'm glad that I am free,
But I wish I were a little doggy,
And McGovern were a tree.
%
I'm not a pheasant plucker,
I'm a pheasant plucker's son.
I'm just a'plucking pheasants
'Til the pheasant plucker comes.
        -- The Irish Rovers
%
I've been feeling kind of jealous,
Of all them well-hung fellas,
Like Michael, Rod, and Mick.        It would have to be a big one,
Tell me, Doctor can you mend me?    A giant, horny love gun,
I've a case of penis envy --        To let me be a jock.
If I only had a dick.            Girls would never beg my pardon,
                    They would turn on to my hardon --
                    If I only had a cock.
Oh, I can tell you now,
The number of times I'd score,
I could fuck girls like            I would not be just a housewife,
    I never have before,        Living a little mouse-life
And then I'd cum (wee!)            In days that drag out long.
And fuck some more!            I would dance and I'd be merry
                    Life would be a ding-a-derry
                    If I only had a dong!
        -- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz
%
I've finally found the perfect girl,
I couldn't ask for more,
She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed,
And owns a liquor store.
%
If I had a penis I'd wear it outside,
In cafes and car lots, with pomp and with pride.
If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper
I'd stay in the tub and use me as the stopper.
If I had a penis I'd take it to parties
Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties.
I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay.
I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day.

I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stick shifts.
I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts.
I'd peek around corners; I'd aim at my toilet;
I'd poke it at foreigners and soap it and oil it.
If I had a penis I'd run to my mother;
Comb out the hair and compare it to brother.
I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would indulge...
Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge.
[Chorus]
    A penis to plunder, a penis to push
    'Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush.
    A penis to love me, a penis to share,
    To pick up and play with when nobody's there.
        -- Uncle Bonsai, "Penis Envy"
%
If you need anything just whistle.
You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?
Just put your lips together and blow.
        -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not"
%
If you'd like to cultivate insomnia,
Bed down with a pretty girl.
Amor vincit omnia.
%
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed!

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day.
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am".
Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!
        -- Monty Python, "The Philosopher's Drinking Song"
%
In days of old, when knights were bold,
    And rubbers weren't invented,
They tied their socks around their cocks
    And babies were prevented.
%
In her first passion woman loves her lover,
In all the others all she loves is love.
        -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
%
In the days of old,
When Knights were bold,
    And women were too cautious;
Oh, those gallant days,
When women were women,
    And men were really obnoxious.
%
In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
In the evening, floating in the soup.
    (chorus):
    Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
    Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
You can ask them anything you want to.
They won't answer; they can't talk.
    (chorus)
I took a fish head out to see a movie,
Didn't have to pay to get it in.
    (chorus)
They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
    (chorus)
Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in
Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
    (chorus)
Fishy!
    (chorus)
        -- Fish Heads
%
In youth, it was a way I had
To do my best to please,
And change, with every passing lad,
To suit his theories.

But now I know the things I know,
And do the things I do;
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you!
        -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer"
%
It was April the 41st,
Being a quadruple leap year.
I was driving in down-town Atlantis.
My Barracuda was in the shop,
So I was in a rented stingray
    -- and it was over-heating.
So, I pulled into a Shell station.
They said I'd blown a seal.
I said "Fix the damned thing and leave my private
    life out of it, okay pal?"
While they were doing that,
I walked over to the Oyster Bar.
    A real dive.
But I knew the owner.
He used to play for the Dolphins
I said "Hi, Gil!"
You have to yell
    -- he's hard of herring.
        -- Kip Adotta, "Wet Dream"
%
Jack an Jill went up the hill.
Jill went down,
Jack came.
%
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill,
Each had a buck and a quarter!
Jill came down,
With two and a half,
You think they went for water?
%
Jack and Jill went up a hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown    Jack on Jill produced a thrill
And Jill came tumbling after.        When on the ground he got her,
                    Then went down and told the town
                    He tumbled Jill and gaffed her.
Jack to Jill thus did such ill
That Jill, to pay the rotter,
Told the town Jack's crown broke down    Jack and Jill have split the bill
When he set out to shaft her.        Since Jack led Jill to totter.
                    Half the town deals Jill a frown
                    And half greets Jack with laughter.
%
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack jumped over the candle stick.
But Jack wasn't so nimble,
Jack wasn't so quick,
So Jack's in the hospital, with a burned up dick!
%
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
Jack jumped over the candle stick,
And burnt his balls.
%
jake hates
      all the girls(the
shy ones, the bold        paul scorns all
ones; the meek                       the girls(the
proud sloppy sleek)        bright ones, the dim
all except the cold        ones; the slim
           ones        plump tiny tall)
                all except the
                          dull ones
gus loves all the
         girls(the
warped ones, the lamed        mike likes all the girls
ones; the mad                        (the
moronic maimed)            fat ones, the lean
all except            ones; the mean
      the dead ones        kind dirty clean)
                all
                   except the green ones
        -- e e cummings
%
Kill Kill,
Hate Hate,
Murder, Maim, and Mutilate!
%
Kitten with a whip,    Teddy bear in chains,    Puss in leather boots,
tail, swish swish,    spread on a bed;    rising thigh high;
take what you will,    fantasy games,        black rubber suits;
get what you wish.    deep in your head.    making him cry.

Squirm from the blows,    Now pussy's all hot,    Teddy bear sighs;
writhe from the pain;    from the power trip;    kitty's on top;
but teddy bear knows,    ready or not,        there's fire in her eyes,
that he wants it again.    next swing's from    and the cat won't stop.
                the hip.

The world explodes,    Teddy's still tied;    Kitten with a whip,
her claws dig in;    lying all alone;    tail, swish swish,
then kitty cat goes,    even if he tried,    take what you will,
cause she's through    he couldn't go home.    get what you wish.
    with him.
        -- Kitten With A Whip
%
Left a good broad by the river,
Traveled back into town just to get some rest!
Waited for 10 hours,
Went back to the river,
But I couldn't get her out of that mess!

chorus:
    Poor Mary Jo Kopechne,
    Dead Mary Jo Kopechne,
    Rollin'... rollin'... rollin' down the window!

If you're gonna run for office,
And you know that it's an election year.
Don't go in the river,
'Specially by way of bridges,
It could put an end to your political career!
(chorus)
        -- Poor Mary Jo, to the tune of "Proud Mary"
%
Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me.
I'm not half the man I used to be.
Oh, how did I get leprosy?

Syphillis, it all started with a simple kiss.
Now it even hurts to take a piss.
Oh why did I get syphillis?

Why'd she have VD?  I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ....
        -- "Leprosy," to the tune of "Yesterday"
%
Let's love each other slowly,
reaching for a plane,
of exquisite pleasure,
and delicate pain.
        -- Adam Beslove
%
Like private parts to the Gods are we,
they play with us for their sport.
        -- Lord Melchett (Blackadder 2)
%
Lions in the street and roaming,
Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming,
A beast caged in the heart of the city.
The body of his mother lying in the summer ground,
He fled the town.
Went down south across the border,
Left the chaos and disorder
Back there, over his shoulder.
One morning he awoke in a green hotel,
A strange creature groaning beside him.
Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
Is everybody in?  The ceremony is about to begin.
        -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard"
%
Lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you,
Lipstick on your dipstick said you were untrue.
Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through,
'Cause lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you.
        -- To the tune of "Lipstick On Your Collar"
%
Little Johnny with a grin,
Drank up all of daddy's gin,
Mother said, when he was plastered,
Go to bed, you little ... love-child.
%
Little Mary on the ice,
Went out to have a frisk,
Now wasn't little Mary nice,
Her pretty *?
%
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider,
And bit her right in the snatch.
%
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her knickers all tattered and torn.
For it wasn't a spider that sat down beside her,
But Little Boy Blue with his horn!
%
Little Miss Muffet,
Sat on her tuffet,
Smoking some THC.
Along came a narc'er who sat down beside her
And said, "So... what's in the bag, bitch?!"
%
Love is a word that is constantly heard,
Hate is a word that is not.
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
Love, I have read, is hot.
But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
And Love but a drug on the mart.
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
        -- Ogden Nash
%
Love to eat them mousies,
Mousies I love to eat.
Bite they little heads off,
Nibble at they tiny feet.
        -- Kliban
%
    Love's Drug

My love is like an iron wand
    That conks me on the head,
My love is like the valium
    That I take before my bed,
My love is like the pint of scotch
    That I drink when I be dry;
And I shall love thee still, my dear,
    Until my wife is wise.
%
Man's lust for a bust is hardly recent,
Some say not even indecent.
But if you lust,
It's a must!
%
Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece as white as snow.
It followed her to school one day,
And got fucked by a big black dog.
%
Mary had a little lamb,
She kept it in a bucket.
And every time she let it out,
The bulldog used to ...
Umm, chase it around the garden.
%
Mary had a little lamb,
The lamb turned out to be a ram,
Now Mary has a little lamb.
%
Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail.
It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail.
She never had a moment's peace; the lamb was always on her heels,
And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals.
It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended.
The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended.
The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat,
Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat.
Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her.
So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer.
        -- Alma Garcia
%
Mary had a little sheep,
And with the sheep she went to sleep,
The sheep turned out to be a ram,
And Mary had a little lamb.
%
Mary had a little watch;
She swallowed it one day.
And so she took some Ex-Lax
To pass the time away.

But when she took the Ex-Lax
The time it did not pass.
So when you want to know the time,
Just look up Mary's ... Uncle.

(He has a watch, too)
%
Me father makes book on the corner,
Me mother makes second hand gin,
Me sister makes love for a dollar,
And that's how the money rolls in!

    Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!
        (Rolls in!)
    Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!

Me father sells cheap prophylactics,
Me mum pokes the tips with a pin,
Me sister performs the abortions,
And that's how the money rolls in!

Me uncle's a poor missionary,
He saves fallen women from sin.
He'll save you a blonde for five dollars,
And that's how the money rolls in.
%
Men have many faults,
    Women only two:
Everything they say,
    And everything they do!
%
Missed the train at the railway station
Oh hell, blast, and damnation!
Asked a lady in there if she had the time,
She said "Yes", and a strong inclination.
%
Mistress Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockle shells,
And one really fucked-up petunia.
%

Money cannot buy
The fuel of love
but is excellent kindling.

To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say,
Is a keen observer of life,
The word intellectual suggests right away
A man who's untrue to his wife.
        -- W.H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems"
%
Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
"We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
    be shared."
But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
"Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
"Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
    with prawns,
Some parsley and and some tartar sauce..."
But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
His Mother cried: "What shall we do?  What's left won't even make a stew..."
And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
%
My travel agent's an Oxford chap
Who rolls his eyes when he speaks.
I asked him about the Isle of Man
For a journey of about six weeks.
And this is what he said to me
As he looked me right in the eye,
"For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip
Of Elephant Shit On Rye."

A brand-new store just opened its door
At the corner of 5th and Vine
And I happened to be standing right outside
When they turned on their neon sign.
I heard a strange sound, I looked around,
And that's when I almost died,
They nearly knocked me down to be the first in town
To get their Elephant Shit On Rye!
%
Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.

It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
%
Nobody loves me,
Everybody hates me,
I think I'll go out and eat worms.
I'm gonna cut their heads off,
Eat their insides out,
And throw way the skins.
Big, fat, juicy ones,
Little, skinny, cute ones,
Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
%
Now of a maid, I'll sing a song,
Sing, rikkity-tikkity-tin.
Now of a maid, I'll sing a song,    She didn't like her Uncle Zeke,
Who didn't keep her family long.    Sing, rikkity-tikkity-tin,
Not only did she do them wrong,        She didn't like her Uncle Zeke,
She did every one of them in, them in,    And so she drowned him in the creek.
She did every one of them in.        The water we had was bad for a week,
                    So we had to make do with gin, with gin,
She weighted her father down with stones.  We had to make do with gin.
Sing, rikkity-tikkity-tin.
She weighted her father down with stones,  Her mother she could never stand,
And sent him off to Davy Jones.        Sing, rikkity-tikkity-tin.
All that we ever found were bones,    Her mother she could never stand,
And occasional pieces of skin, of skin, And so a cyanide soup she planned.
Occasional pieces of skin.         Her mother died with the spoon in her hand,
                    And her face in a hideous grin, a grin.
She set her sister's hair on fire,    Her face in a hideous grin.
Sing, rikkity-tikkity-tin.
She set her sister's hair on fire,    One day, when she had nothing to do,
And as the smoke and flames grew higher,  Sing, rikkity-tikkity-tin.
She danced around the funeral pyre,    One day, when she had nothing to do,
Playing the violin, -olin,        She cut her baby brother in two,
Playing the violin.            And served him up as an Irish stew,
                    And invited the neighbors in, -bors in,
And when at last the police came by,    Invited the neighbors in.
Sing, rikkity-tikkity-tin.
And when, at last, the police came by,    For to do so she would have to lie,
Her little pranks she did nor deny,    And lying, she knew, was a sin, a sin,
                    Lying she knew was a sin.
        -- "Rikkity-tikkity-tin"
%
O!  If I were a fish
I'd lay hap'ly on my dish.
Yes, that's my one and only wish --
To be a fish!

For fish don't ever mish;
They needn't flush after they pish!
Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish,
For all the fish!!!
%
Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do?
They're burning our streets and beating me blue.
"Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth:
Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes."

Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove,
I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth.
"Now listen my son, although you're confused,
Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes."

Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share.
What books ought I read?  What thoughts do I dare?
"Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware.
Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair."

Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care?
Are all races equal?  Are laws just and fair?
"Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair:
Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair."
%
Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me
As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes,
And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
    see if I don't.
        -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
%
Oh give me a home, where the bookmakers roam,
Where the beer and the whiskey flows free,
Where never is heard, a discouraging word,
And the call-girls keep callin' for me!
%
Oh I'm just a typical American boy
From a typical American town.
I believe in God and Senator Dodd
And keeping old Castro down.
And when it came my time to serve
I knew "Better Dead Than Red",
But when I got to my old draft board,
Buddy, this is what I said:

Chorus:
    Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen,
    And I always carry a purse!
    I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat,
    And my asthma's getting worse!
    Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear,
    And my poor old invalid aunt!
    Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school
    And I'm a-working in a defense plant!
        -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
%
Oh, I could while away the hours,
Smoking herbs and flowers,
Shooting up my veins,
    De-dum, De-dum, De-dum
Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
If I dealt in good cocaine.
        -- To If I Only Had A Brain from "The Wizard of Oz"
%
Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog Rover,
That got run over with my mower.
One leg is missing, and one other is gone,
The fourth one is scattered all over the lawn.
It's no use explain'n, the one remaining,
It landed by the kitchen door.
Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog rover,
that ain't gonna walk no more...
        -- Tune is something about a four-leaf clover.
%
Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
A merry old soul was he.
He called for his pipe,
And he called for his drums,
And he fiddled with his call girls three.
%
Old McDonald had a farm,
E-I-E-I-O!
And on this farm he had some chicks,
E-I-E-I-O!
With a chick-chick here,
And a chick-chick there,
Here a chick,
There a chick,
Everywhere a chick-chick,
Old McDonald lost his farm
'Cause he had too many chicks!
%
Old Mother Hubbard,
Went to the cubbard,
To get her poor doggie a bone.

But when she stooped over,
Old Rover, he drove her.
You see, he had a bone of his own.
%
Once Law was sitting on the bench
    And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
    Nor come before me creeping.
Upon you knees if you appear,
'Tis plain you have no standing here."

Then Justice came.  His Honor cried:
    "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
"Amica curiae," she replied --
    "Friend of the court, so please you."
"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
I never saw your face before!"
        -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Ouch mosquito, silent by night,
Why pierce my skin, so white?
You grow plump, as a leech.
Stop!  I beseech (in vein).

I have no choice.
Why waste my voice,
When only a slap will do?
Ouch, I am bitten!
What ho, you are smitten!
Yo mosquito, fuck you.
        -- Mitchell Peck, "Ouch, Mosquito"
%
Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
In all of the directions it can whiz;
As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
        -- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life"
%
Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
Not one damn thing do we solve.
        -- 1776
%
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
        -- "Plunderer's Theme," to the tune of
           "Supercaligragilisticexpialidocius"
%
Posterity will ne'er survey
A nobler grave than this;
Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
Stop, traveler, and piss.
        -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
%
Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine,
And frollicked in the Autumn mist,
And drank Manishiewitz wine.
Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff,
And brought him soup and Matzah balls,
And other kosher stuff.

Then one day it happened, Puff was eating pork.
Little Rabbi Jacob took that dragon for a walk.
Gently he explained that dragons don't eat meat,
That come from little piggies who have dirty filthy feet.
%
Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
These are a few of my favorite drugs.

Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
These are a few of my favorite drugs.

Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
Users of heroin, often called junkies
Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.

    On a bad trip
    When the cops come
    When I lose my head
    I simply take more of my favorite drugs
    And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
        -- "My Favorite Drugs," to the tune of "My Favorite Things"
%
San Francisco is my kind of city,
Where the women are strong and the men are pretty.
%
Santa Claus wears a red suit.
He's a Communist.

He has long hair and a beard.
Must be a pacifist.

And what's in the pipe that he's smoking?

Santa Claus comes in your house at night.
He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight.

Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
        -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus"
%
Send lawyers, guns, and money,
The shit has hit the fan.
        -- Warren Zevon
%
Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
Is all my brain and body need.
Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
Are very good indeed.

Take your silly ways,
Throw them out the window,
The wisdom of your ways,
I've been there and I know,
Lots of other ways...
        -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties"
%
Sex is great,
Sex is grand,
Sex around here,
Is mostly by hand.
%
Share and enjoy, share and enjoy.
Journey through life with a plastic boy or girl by your side.
Let your pal be your guide.
And when it breaks down or starts to annoy,
    or grinds when it moves and gives you no joy,
    'cause it digs up your hat,
    or has sex with your cat,
    sprays oil on your wall or rips off your door,
    and you get to the point you can't stand any more.
Bring it to us, we won't give a shit.
We'll tell you: "Go stick your head in a pig".
%
She never liked zippers, she said,
Until she opened one in bed.
%
She was bred in ol' Kentucky
But she's just a crumb up here
She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed
With a cauliflower ear
Someday we will be married
And if vegetables become too dear
I'll just cut me a slice of
Her cauliflower ear!
        -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges"
%
She's such a kinky girl,
The kind you don't take home to mother.
She will never let your spirits down
Once you get her off the street.
%
So now
that you have-

you know, whoever

you're trying
to do

a favor
for

-you've done it-

and I'm sure
you had

a smirk
on your mouth

as you got me
into this.
    -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
       composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public Radio.
       From SPY Magazine, November 1992
%
So, good night, you moonlit ladies,
Rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose,
Won't you let me go down in my dreams?
And rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
        -- James Taylor, "Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James"
%
Sodomy, fellatio, cunnilingus, pederasty,
Father, why do these words sound so nasty?
        -- Hair
%
SOLOIST:                MOUNTIES:
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK,        He's a lumberjack and he's OK,
I sleep all night and I work all day.    He sleeps all night and he works
                    all day.

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,    He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
I go to the lavatory.            He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesday I go shopping,        On Wednesday he goes shopping,
And have buttered scones for tea.    And has buttered scones for tea.

I cut down trees, I skip and jump,    He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
I like to press wild flowers,        He likes to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing,        He puts on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars.        And hangs around in bars.

I cut down trees, I wear high heels,    He cuts down trees, he wears high heels,
Suspenders and a bra.            Suspenders?  and a bra?
I wish I'd been a girlie,        That's rude...
Just like my dear Pappa.
%
Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road,
Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code,
Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck,
When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck.

Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise,
Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice.
Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat,
That don't smell very nice --
He's nobody's moggy now.

Oh you who love your pussy,
Be sure to keep him in.
Don't let him argue with a truck,    If he tries to play
The truck is bound to win.        On the road way
And upon the busy road,            I'm afraid that will be that,
Don't let him play or frolic.        There will be one last despairing
If you do, I'm warning you,            "Meow!"
It could be cat-astrophic!        And a sort of squelchy Splat!
                    And your pussy will be slightly dead,
He's nobody's moggy --            And very, very flat!
Just red and squashed and soggy --
He's nobody's moggy now.
        -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper"
%
Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell you are I think
I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep
I'm just a little slort of sheep.
Tee martoonis make a guy,
Feel so woozy, I don't know why.
So mass the pixer and kill my fup
I've all day sober to sunday up.
%
Tequila my girl, is deceiving:
Take two at the very most.
Take three and you're under the table,
Take four and you're under the host.
%
The blacksmith told me before he died,
And I have no reason to believe that he lied,
That no matter how he tried,
His wife was never satisfied!

And so he built a bloody great wheel,
Harnessed to a cock of steel,
Two balls of brass were filled with cream,
And the whole damn thing was driven by steam.

Round and round went the bloody great wheel,
In and out went the cock of steel,
Till at last the maiden cried,
"Enough! Enough! I am satisfied!"

And now we come to the crucial bit --
There was no way of stopping it.
And she was split from hole to hole,
And the whole fucking thing was covered in shit...
%
The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.
What matter where, if I be still the same,
And what I should be, all but less than he
Whom thunder hath made greater? here at least
We shall be free; the almighty hath not built
Here for his envy, will not drive us hence;
Here we may reign secure, and, in my choice,
To reign is worth ambition, though in Hell:
Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.
        -- Satan, Milton's "Paradise Lost", I, 254-263
%
The orders come down and they march us away.
There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
But it's better than working for Xerox.
        -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask"
%
The poor little doe
Crawled out of the woods,
Tired, bedraggled and blue.
"Look," she said, "What I did for a buck,
I should have asked for two!"
%
The rich man uses vaseline,
    The poor man uses lard;
The worker uses axle grease
    But gets it twice as hard.
%
The sun was shining brightly        The breeze was blowing briskly,
And I could hardly wait,        It made the flowers sway,
To ponder at my window            The garden was enchanting
And gaze at my estate.            On this inspiring day.

My eyes fell on a little bird,        I smiled at him cheerfully
With a beautiful yellow bill,        And gave him a crust of bread,
I beckoned him to come and light    And then I closed the window
Upon my window sill.            And smashed his fucking head.
        -- "Good Morning", Debbie Smith
%
There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists,    Every sperm is sacred,
there are Hindus and Mormons and then            Every sperm is great,
there are those that follow Mohammed  ...But...        If a sperm is wasted,
I've never been one of them.                God gets quite irate.

I am a Roman Catholic                    Every sperm is wanted,
And have been since before I was born,            Every sperm is good.
And the one thing they say about Catholics is        Every sperm is needed,
They'll take you as soon as you're warm.        In your neighborhood.

You don't have to be a six-footer.        Let the heathens spill theirs,
You don't have to have a great brain.        On the dusty ground.
You don't have to have any clothes on,        God shall make them pay for
You're a Catholic the moment Dad came        Each sperm that can't be found.
...Because...

Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,                Every sperm is useful,
spill theirs just anywhere            Every sperm is fine.
but God loves those who treat their        God needs everybodies,
semen with more care.                Mine, and mine, and mine.
        -- Monty Python, "Every Sperm is Sacred"
%
There were the Scots
Who kept the Sabbath
And everything else they could lay their hands on.
Then there were the Welsh
Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
Thirdly there were the Irish
Who never knew what they wanted
But were willing to fight for it anyway.
Lastly there were the English
Who considered themselves a self-made nation
Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
%
This land is full of trousers!
this land is full of mausers!
    And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
        -- Firesign Theater
%
This land is made of mountains,
This land is made of mud,
This land has lots of everything,
For me and Elmer Fudd.

This land has lots of trousers,
This land has lots of mousers,
And pussycats to eat them
When the sun goes down.
%
Tiddely Quiddely
Edward M. Kennedy
Quite unaccountably
Drove in a stream.

Pleas of amnesia
Incomprehensible
Possibly shattered
Political dream.
%
'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
Did groove and trip out at the pad:    "Beware the Radcliff girl, my son!
All whimsy were the slamming chicks,    The looks that mell, the claws that
And the Radcliffe undergrad.            catch!
                    Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun
He took his venerable staff in hand:    The uppity Wellesleysnatch!"
Long time the cool young stuff he
    sought --            And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
So rested he among the spree        The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
And paused to smoke some pot.        Crept past the hippies getting balled
                    And doffed her miniskirt.
One, two!  One, two!  And through
    and through            "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
The venerable staff went snicker-snack!    Come to my arms, my horny boy!
He left her bred, sans maidenhead,    O spaced-out day!  Calooh!  Callay!"
And went galumphing back.        He cackled in his joy.

'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
Did groove and trip out at the pad:
All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
And the Radcliffe undergrad.
%
'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one --
When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun.
Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh,
A satellite spotted him making his way.
The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire
Was ready for action, and started to fire!
The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky
Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys
When out of my chimney there came a great noise.
I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see
St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me.
But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking:
A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking!
Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell;
Outside burning toys like confetti they fell.
So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone:
The Star Wars computer had got something wrong.
Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart;
'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start.
It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
If the crazy contraption would work very well.
So after a trillion or two had been spent
The system thought Santa a Red missle sent.
So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
%
Virginity is a bubble on the sea of life,
which takes but one prick to break.
        -- Jordan Sand
%
Was it you that did the pushin',
Left the stains upon the cushion,
The footprints on the dashboard upside-down?
Was it you, you little pecker,
That got into my Rebecca,
If you did, you'd better leave this town!

Yes, 'twas I that did the pushin',
Left the stains upon the cushion,
Footprints on the dashboard upside-down.
But since I stuck your daughter,
I've had trouble passin' water,
So I guess we're kind of even all around!
%
We
own
this land.

I don't spend
any time
on this land.

This
is a tiny
little piece

of my
business
interests.

It's like
a grain
of sand.
    -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
       recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992.
       From SPY Magazine, November 1992
%
We boggies are a hairy folk        Ever hungry, ever thirsting,
Who like to eat until we choke.        Never stop till belly's bursting.
Loving all like friend and brother,    Chewing chop and pork and muttons,
And hardly ever eat each other.        A merry race of boring gluttons.

Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE.

Boggies gather 'round the table,    Anything edible, we've got dibs on,
Eat as much as you are able.        And hope we all die with our bibs on.
Gorge yourselves from moon till noon    Ever gay, we'll never grow up,
(Don't forget your plate and spoon.)    Come! And sing and play and throw-up!

Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE!
        -- Bored of the Rings, "The Hobbits National Anthem"
%
We love our little Johnny
He's the best little boy in all the world
And we wouldn't trade him for anything
That's how much we love him.
No, we couldn't live without him
So that's why, since he died,
We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer.
He's so good, so well-behaved,
Even better than before;
Oh, such a wonderful kid he is.
Alice and me, we'll never be lonely,
Never miss our little Johnny,
He'll never grow up and leave us
That's why we love him like we do.
        -- Mr. Mincemeat
%
We must!  We must!
We must increase our bust!
The bigger the better!
The tighter the sweater!
And the boys will think more of us!
%
We will follow Zarathustra,        We will worship like the Druids,
Zarathustra like we use to,        Dancing naked in the woods,
I'm a Zarathustra booster,        Drinking strange fermented fluids,
And he's good enough for me!        And it's good enough for me!
(chorus)                (chorus)

In the church of Aphrodite,
The priestess wears a see through nightie,
She's a mighty righteous sightie,
And she's good enough for me!
(chorus)

CHORUS:    Give me that old time religion,
    Give me that old time religion,
    Give me that old time religion,
    'Cause it's good enough for me!
%
Well, actually, I don't mind going to weddings or anything, as long as they're
not my own, I show up, but uh, I've always kinda been partial to callin' myself
up on the phone, asking myself out, y'know, yeah, one thing about it, you're
always around.  Yeah, I know, yeah, you ask yourself out, y'know, some class
joint somewhere, the Burrito King, or somethin', y'know, well, I ain't cheap
y'know.  Take yourself out for a coupla drinks, mebbe, then you eat, some
provocative conversation on the way home, and uh, park in front of the house,
y'know, and you, oh yeah, you smoo with yourself, put a little nice music on,
mebbe you put on like, uh, y'know, like shoppin' music, something that's not
too interruptive, y'know, and then uh, y'know, slide over real nice, and say,
"Oh, I think you have something in your eye", well, maybe it's not that
romantic with you, but I don't, y'know, I get into it, y'know, I take myself
up to the porch, and uh, take myself inside, maybe, oh, I might get a little
something in a brandy snifter, "Would you like to listen to some of my back
records, I got something here...", well, usually, about two-thirty in the
morning, you've ended up takin' advantage of yourself, and there ain't no way
around that, y'know, yeah, makin' the scene with a magazine, ain't no way
around it.  I'll confess, y'know, I'm no different, y'know, I'm not weird
about it or anything, I don't tie myself up first, I just, I just kinda
spend a little time with myself.
        -- Tom Waits, "Nighthawks at the Diner"
%
Well, he went down to dinner in his Sunday best,
Excitable boy, they all said!
And he rubbed the pot roast all over his chest,
Excitable boy, they all said!  (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)

He took in the 4am show at the Clark,
Excitable boy, they all said!
And he bit the usherette's leg in the dark,
Excitable boy, they all said!  (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)

He took little Susie to the junior prom,
Excitable boy, they all said!
And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home,
Excitable boy, they all said!  (Well, he's just an excitable boy!)

After ten long years they let him out of the home,
Excitable boy, they all said!
And he dug up her grave and built a cage with her bones,
Excitable boy, they all said!  (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
        -- Warren Zevon, "Excitable Boy"
%
Well, I went to a party, and what did they do?
They took off their socks and they took off their shoes.
They took off their shirts, and they took off their pants,
I had a hunch, we weren't gonna dance.

Everybody, everybody's ass was bare,
No bras left, just a queer over there.
But the whole damn thing didn't faze me a bit;
I just jumped on the pile and grabbed some tit.

My baby's not a sports fan,
But she plays with balls whenever she can.
'Cause her favorite sport you see,
Is playing tonsil hockey.
[chorus]
    Eat, bite, fuck, suck, gobble, nibble, chew;
    Nipple, bosom, hair pie, finger fuck, screw.
    Moose piss, cat pud, orangutan tit;
    Sheep pussy, camel crack, pig-lie-in-shit.
        -- Doctor Dirty, "The Eat-Bite Song"
%
Well, I'd left home just a week before,
And I'd never ever kissed a woman before,
But Lola smiled and took me by the hand,
And said 'Little boy, gonna make you a man!'
Well, I'm not the world's most masculine man,
But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man and so's Lola.
La, la, la, la-Lola... la, la, la, la-Lola...  Lola.
        -- The Kinks
%
What's the ugliest part of your body?
What's the ugliest part of your body?
Some say your nose,
Some say your toes,
But I think it's your mind.
        -- Frank Zappa, 1965
%
When a man grows old and his balls
    grow cold,            So find me a seat and stand me a drink
And the end of his knob turns blue;    And a tale to you I'll tell
When it's bent in the middle like a    Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
    one-string fiddle,        And the gentle Eskimo Nell.
He can tell a tale or two.

When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Go out in search of fun,        And when Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
It's usually Dick who wields the prick    Are sore, depressed, and mad,
And Mexican Pete the gun.        'Tis the cunt that bears the brunt
                    So the shooting ain't so bad.
There was rarely a day without a lay
And usually two or three        Now Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
For Dead-eye Dick, his kingly prick    Had been hunting in Deadman's creek.
Was always like a tree.            And they'd had no luck in the way of
                        a fuck
Just a moose or two and a caribou,    For nigh on half a week.
And a bison cow or so;
And for Dead-eye Dick with his kingly prick
This fucking was mighty slow.
        -- The Ballad of Eskimo Nell
%
When ev'rybody's tryin' to sleep,
I'm somewhere makin' my midnight creep.        Chorus:
In the mornin' the rooster crow,    I am a back door man,
Somethin' tells me I got to go.        I am a back door man,
                    Well, the men don't know,
They take me to the doctor,        But the little girls understand.
    shot full of holes,
Nurse try to save a soul.
Killed her for murder first degree,
Judge what tried let the man go free.

Stand up, cop's wife cried, don't take him down,
Rather be dead six feet in the ground.
When you come home, you can eat pork and beans,
I eats more chicken than any man's seen.
        -- Willie Dixon, "Backdoor Man", 1961
%
When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred,
He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!"
        -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird"
%
when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
in my sleep.
like my grandfather.

not screaming,
like the passengers in his car...
%
When I need something
To help me unwind
I find a six-foot baby        What kind of guy
With a one-track mind        Does a lot for me
Smart guys are nowhere        Superman
They make demands        With a lobotomy
Give me a moron            My father's out of Harvard
With talented hands        My brother's out of Yale
I go bar-hopping        Well the guy I took home last night
And they say "Last call"    Just got out of jail
I start shopping         The way he grabbed and threw me
For a Neanderthal        Oooo, it really got me hot
                But the way he growled and bit me
The bigger they come        I hoped he had his shots
The harder I fall
In love till we're done        The bigger they are
Then they're out in the hall    The harder they'll work
                I got a soft spot
                For a good-looking jerk
        -- Julie Brown, "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid"
%
When in calling, plain speaking is out;
When the ladies (God bless 'em) are milling about,
You may wet, make water, or empty the glass;
You can powder your nose, or the "johnny" will pass.
It's a drain for the lily, or man about dog
When everyone's drunk, it's condensing the fog;
But sure as the devil, that word with a hiss
It's only in Shakespeare that characters ____.
        -- Ogden Nash
%
When things go wrong as they usually will,
And your daily road seems all uphill,
When funds are low and debts are high,
When you try to smile, but can only cry --
And you really feel you'd like to quit,
Don't talk to me; I don't give a shit.
%
When you're lying on the bed,
And the thought is in your head,
But the feeling is way down between your legs,
Take your problem in your hand,
And beat it to the band,
And try your best to keep it off the walls.

Don't let your lover tell you,
Don't let anybody sell you,
That the joy of masturbation is a crime.
For I've rid myself of fears,
(I've been doing it for years)
And now I have an erection all the time.
%
... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed
beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and
quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's
wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at
the same time.  Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald
had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all
concerned...
I gan noo wha ma organs gan
When oft I lay abed            I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur
So rither hang me upside doon        That smelt so mooch of sweat
Than by ma empty head.            For she was iver sweet and pure
                    And iver her purse was wet.
But old Sir Oswald allus stank
Of horse and hound and dung        So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree
And when I chose to breech his rank    And draw ma innards out
Was barrel to my bung.            That all the wald around may see
                    What I have done without.
But ere ye come to draw ma heart
Na do it all so quick            So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry
But prise the arse of Oswald 'part    'Tis all the same to me
And bring me back ma prick.        I canna wait for him to die
                    Afore I have a pee.
        -- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry"
%
While sitting 'neath an oak one morn
In thought on this and that,
A tiny, twitt'ring little bird        "Oh tiny bird, O Nature's gift
A load dropped in my hat.        Of music and of wit!
                    Why didst thou feel that my best hat
"Thy music gladdens my poor soul,    Was thy best place to shit?"
And brings joy to my heart.
But tell me, little bird divine,    The tiny bird a few notes sang,
Why didst thou not just fart?"        Then answer'd "Pardon me,
                    For thy hat I thought was my nest,
I rose and stood in solemn awe        A-fallen from the tree."
His words to better mull,
Then lifted up a paving block
And crushed his fucking skull.
        -- Bill Wordsworth, "A Tiny Twitt'ring Bird"
%
Willie in the cauldron fell;        Willie saw some dynamite,
See the grief on mother's brow;        Couldn't understand it quite;
Mother loved her darling well --    Curiosity never pays:
Willie's quite hard-boiled by now.    It rained Willie seven days.

Little Willie with a shout,        William in a nice new sash,
Gouged the baby's eyeballs out;        Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
Stamped on them to make them pop.    Now, although the room grows chilly,
Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!"    I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.

William with a thirst for gore,        Little Willie mean as hell,
Nailed the baby to the door.        Threw his sister in the well!
Mother said, with humor quaint:        Said his mother when drawing water,
"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint."    'sure is hard to raise a daughter.'
        -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
%
Willie, looking in the mirror,        Willie with the nursery shears
Sucked the mercury off            Cut off both the baby's ears.
Thinking in his childish error        To the baby so unsightly
It would cure the whooping cough.    Mother raised her eyebrows slightly.

At the funeral his weeping mother    In the family drinking well
Sadly said to Mrs. Brown,        Willie pushed his sister, Nell.
"'Twas a chilly day for Willie        She's there still because it killed her,
When the mercury went down."        Now, we have to buy a filter.
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You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card
That a young man married is a young man marred.
        -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys"
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You say potatoe,
And I say potato.
You say tomatoe,
And I say tomato.
Potatoe, potato,
Tomatoe, tomato.
Let's go be the Vice President...
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You wanna play the dozens,
Well, the dozens is a game,
But the way I fuck your mother is an ass-wringing shame!
        -- George Carlin
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You will always have friends
Some friends will peter out.
But I'll always be your friend,
Peter in or peter out.
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Your mother's ghost stands at your shoulder
Face like ice, a little bit colder
She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules
You learned in school,"
But I don't really see
Why can't we go on as three?
        -- David Crosby, "Triad"
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Your spooning days are over,
    And your pilot light is out;
When what used to be your sex appeal
    Is now your water spout!
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Zippity doo dah, zippity ay,
I just gave my sister's cherry away!
To a couple of truckers from Erie P.A.,
Zippity doo dah, zippity ay.
        -- John Valby
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